The Gob Speaks: MotoGP Catalunya Crash Analysis

 “The Gob” is our secret paddock insider, believed to be a top British Moto2 rider (No, not Sam Lowes). Speaking
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“The Gob” is our secret paddock insider, believed to be a top British Moto2 rider (No, not Sam Lowes). Speaking to us on the strict condition of anonymity, The Gob presents his analysis of the crashes in turns 1 and 2 of the Catalunya MotoGP.

The Gob’s Turn 1 Crash Analysis

Enea Bastianini went full Moto3-tard with this bowling ball effort into turn one. I would’ve done much better than him in his place. For starters, being much more professional than Enea, I would’ve saved the big moment for my trademark late race lowside out of 3rd place. But if I had to crash into turn 1 I would at least take out the leader and minimum 12 other riders. Then I’d casually deck anyone who complained to me in the gravel trap.

And what was up with all the whining from Bez that people keep hitting him? I don’t go moaning about it when I’m taken out. When I get rammed by some rando like Darryn Binder I calmly make a brief, factual statement to the media then move on. No drama.

I’m not one to blow my own trumpet or anything, but when it comes to mouthing off I make Cal Crutchlow look like Dani Pedrosa. The fans really appreciate my honesty. I’m not going to reveal my secret identity, but I’m happy to admit that in a recent survey of British MotoGP fans, 96% of them rated me as “gobby twat” or higher. I’m up there with Carl Fogarty, except that unlike Carl I’m better than Mick Doohan. Think about it, I beat Acosta, who’s the new Marquez, who’s the new and evil Rossi, who’s the new and flamboyant Doohan. So I’m better than all of them. Just saying, y’know?

The Gob’s Turn 2 Crash Analysis

A seriously weak effort from Pecco, this. He should be sent back to Moto3 to learn a few skills, ‘cos he wouldn’t last more than 5 minutes in the piranha tank that is Moto2. Highsides are for amateurs, you wouldn’t catch me highsiding out of a podium position towards the end of a race!

The other Binder brother was pretty mediocre too. This is typical for someone who takes the coward’s way out by signing a multi-year contract with a top MotoGP team. If he really wanted a challenge, he should’ve signed a one-year contract in Moto2 and raced against us big boys.

I’m not comparing myself to Evel Knievel, but if I’d taken off using Pecco as a ramp like Brad Binder did, I would’ve cleared the Grand Canyon. And I wouldn’t have broken 215 bones, spent 867 days in a coma or needed a liver transplant afterwards like Evel Knievel would’ve done.

Brad’s excuses were awful too. After running over the Italian he claimed his front tyre was covered in oil for some reason.

I can see why KTM hired him. They don’t want hard-nuts like me in their team, so they go for a soft, sappy South African like Brad Binder and that Acosta kid who’s slower than me. It’s a shame KTM weren’t brave enough to hire me, ‘cos I would have told them how to put 5 riders on 4 bikes. They’re not gonna find that out from Acosta, who’s better than Marquez but slower than I am.

The Gob’s Conclusion

I would have avoided these crashes easily and the race would’ve finished on time. This would leave more time to interview me on the victory I would’ve taken if I was enough of a big girl’s blouse to race in MotoGP instead of swimming with and beating the sharks in Moto2, the real premier class.